choosing to dwell

Being pregnant again, I've been thinking often about my pregnancy with Micah, and all the complications he and I had.  There are many details that I didn't get around to blogging, partly because I didn't ever write part three of Micah's birth story, and partly because I think I really just didn't want to relive it in such detail.  But, now that I'm pregnant again, I need to face my fears whether I want to or not!

our first ultrasound of Micah - 12.5 weeks

A little summary of my complications, for those who aren't already aware:

-diagnosed with a bicornuate, possibly septate uterus (blogged initially about it here).  In the end this was a non-event.  Either God healed me, or the bicornuate uterus was so minor it didn't impact anything.  Either way, things worked out for good.  Praise God!

-diagnosed with cholestasis (blogged initially about it here).  After lots of tests and monitoring, I was induced at 38 weeks, but still gave birth naturally, without pain-relievers, to a healthy baby.  The cholestasis disappeared after Micah's birth.

-diagnosed with H1N1 (blogged initially about it here).  I was terribly sick for a few days and under quarantine for ten days!  But I had no complications, which again, we attribute to the sovereignty of God, considering that about 1/4 of pregnant women with H1N1 ended up in ICU, from what I remember reading.

-three or four hours after Micah was born, I hemorrhaged.  I lost 3 units (1.5L) of blood, in part because it was all internal, and in part because the hospital staff was busy and wasn't checking in on me very regularly, since Micah and I seemed to be doing so well.  After three days of being super weak and hardly able to hold Micah, they gave me three units of blood.  Recovery was still slow, but the blood transfusion definitely helped.

-the first few days of Micah's little life, we had a really hard time with breastfeeding.  My aunt (a lactation consultant) noticed that he had a tongue-tie.  We were miraculously able to get in to the breastfeeding clinic the very next day and see a specialist to get it taken care of and just get some good help with breastfeeding.  Things improved greatly after that visit.

Phew.

First, a word to my many pregnant friends:
All of the above situations are rare.  Honest.  The actual labour and delivery went really well.  I have no fears or worries about labour this time around.  In all the above situations, although they were scary and/or hard at the time, God was faithful.  He worked each situation out for His glory and our good.  He surrounded us with friends and family to care for us, provide meals, give us rides and accompany us to specialist appointments, and many, many were praying for us.  We had all we needed and more.  And in the end, we had a beautiful, healthy baby boy!

my big ol' prego belly, one week before Micah was born

But as much as that was a word to my pregnant friends, I'm really preaching to myself.  I've been struggling with fears.  Rather than talking to Stewart about it, or better yet, bringing my concerns to God, I've been stewing about it all, until tonight.

This evening we sat together and read these verses from Philippians 4:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you (vv. 4-9).

I was rebuked.  Who am I to fear these things?  Instead of fearing, I need to rejoice.  And there is much to rejoice in.  God is blessing us with another precious child to love and care for!  Besides, Scripture doesn't leave much room for my fears: "do not be anxious about anything" is pretty clear!

I need to be regularly giving my fears and concerns over to God.  Asking Him to supply all of our needs.  Asking for grace for whatever comes our way.  Praising Him for His provision in my pregnancy with Micah.  And trusting His peace to guard my heart.  On top of all that, I need to keep my mind out of all the "what if's" and dwell on whatever is true, honourable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise.  And that list is long!

newborn Micah - only minutes old

Rather than dwelling on my fears and all the things that could possibly go wrong, I am choosing to dwell on the goodness of God, praising Him for the life within me, and thinking with joy about the new little one that is joining our family.  (Including all those tiny fingers and toes!)