and the [pregnancy] rollercoaster begins

Where do I start?

As you know, I am pregnant.  14.5 weeks, to be exact.  If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you will be aware that I haven't exactly had easy pregnancies, with either of our children.  However, God has been faithful, and we really hoped for an easy pregnancy this time around.  The chances of me having the same complications that I've had in the past is fairly small, and so we were realistically hopeful for our third child.

Well, things aren't exactly going as we had hoped.  Far from it.

A week and a half ago, we received a call from the midwife saying that we needed to both come in and see them asap, due to some unusual results on my standard prenatal blood tests.  "I'm just so sorry", she kept saying.  Not a good sign.

The next day, Stew and I sat down with Debbie, one of our wonderful midwives, as she told us the news.  My blood test revealed an antibody that has developed in my body since Halle was born.  We don't yet know fully what this means, since we had to complete more bloodwork (Stew included!) for them to properly diagnose me... but we know it is not good.  Debbie asked me to please not do any research on this antibody, since the outcomes can be really bad, and they don't want me to be unnecessarily stressed and worried at this point, when so little is known.  I'm taking her word on it, and going with just the information she gave us, for now.  We have completed further bloodwork and genetic testing, and are waiting for an appointment with a nearby specialist.  We've been warned that is it likely that our local hospital (although big and typically well-equipped) will not be adequately able to deal with my case and my care may have to eventually be transferred to a larger more specialized hospital downtown.  I will also eventually have to see a genetic counsellor and I'm sure many other specialists as things progress.

I hadn't really planned on blogging about all this until we know more.  Until I could write and say, "I have ______ condition, and it likely means ______ for the baby".  But really, this has been incredibly hard news to take, and I feel really alone, having told only a few close friends and family so far.  Not knowing much about what this could mean has also been hard, and I find myself imagining all sorts of possible [aweful] scenarios.  However, I very much trust my midwives, and at this point I would rather be wondering what the implications could be, rather than have my fears confirmed.

I know we have a long road ahead of us.  I am, after all, only 14.5 weeks along.  And honestly, I haven't taken the news very well.  I feel defeated.  Winded.  Fragile.  Broken.  My feelings of joy and excitement about our coming baby have rapidly vanished, and often when people ask how things are going, it's hard to keep composure.  (But please don't stop asking; just know the answer may not be easy or happy, and don't ask if you're not okay with the possibility of tears.  I am pregnant, after all.)

This wasn't supposed to happen.  There was supposed to be no bad news this time.  Certainly not this early, and certainly not news this bad.  But here we are.  Forced once again onto a rollercoaster of testing, waiting, monitoring, praying, trusting, and many, many appointments.  This is the fifth time I've had to deal with a fairly major/potentially serious complication in pregnancy, and frankly, I'm sick of it.  Can't I just have a typical, morning-sick, uncomfortable, joyous, long, normal pregnancy, natural labour, and healthy baby??  I'm feeling more than a little jealous right now, of pretty much everyone I know who has had a baby in the past few years.  Yeah, I know that's a lot of you reading this.

So, here you are.  I'm choosing to share my burden, even in the awkward first stages of this journey. My hope is that this will break my feeling of isolation, at least a little.  That a few more of you will get it.  At least a little.  Get that I'm discouraged, exhausted, confused, frustrated, grieving the loss of what was supposed to be.  And maybe some of you will pray for me, for us, for our baby.  For health, most of all.  And peace in the midst of all this craziness.